idk

I've been feeling really lonely today. Especially at lunch. One of my friends, (we'll call him d) came over to where I was sitting (alone of course), said hi. Then he said he needed a drink and left. I saw him starting to come back to my table or at least that what it looked like but he just kept on walking in another direction (d is friends with my xgf). So I figured he didn't want t sit with me or even invite me to sit with him since he was sitting with our friend J and my xgf (I definitely would not have minded to sit with her). Then I say xgf and she waved and I waved in response. No invintation, no stopping by. Three days ago we were chating. Today she just waved. Yeah like I felt wanted. I miss her. I want to be with her so much. Im not even sure, she's not even sure if she wants to be with me.

I hope she comes back

Today is my birthday. The biggest events of today were the jam session with my two friends. It went really well. we made a pretty doomy gloomy song. The practice place is nice, its even got a stage.

The second important event is my talk with my xgf. After talking to her I realized and told her that I'm going to wait for her. She told me not to because she doesn't want to see me get hurt again but I'm willing to risk it. I realized how much I really do love her and how much of a mistake it was to tell her that Im not going to wait. I also discontinued my online dating accounts. That was a big mistake as well. During the talk I said some things I shouldn't have said, but in the end we left on a good note. On the door to the sweet she lives in, there is a sign, part of is says get a boyfriend. I pointed it to xgf and I said "see, its a sign!" I hope that it works out and we get back together. I really do love her so much. I hate myself for hurting her.

yesterday, today and tomorrow

Yesterday (saturday) I went out to dinner to the 99 with a friend of mine. She is a girl but that doesn't mean that it was a date. Just to friends having dinner. It was pretty good. I had a 3 course meal for 12.99. It was tasty. A salad, beef with mushroom raveolis and a brownie with ice cream. yum yum.

Today (sunday) I'm going on a field trip with my survivalism class. Yey field trip. We're going to Glenn Lake to look for animal tracks. That'll last probably until 3:30, or so the teacher says. Because of this I got to miss work today, which is nice, except for the paycheck part, but I work all last week so it works out.

Tomorrow is my birthday! Yey the big 22. If I was dislexic I'd be 22. It's not a big birthday since its only 22. It's not like I'm turning 18, 21 or 25 or 65. Just another year. Tomorrow should be fun. My best friend, myself and one of our friends is getting together to jam. My BF reserved a room in whats called the old chapel, mainly because that's what it is. So we're going to be playing doom metal in a church! So cool! My XGF said she has a birthday present for me.

The other day I got this big, 4 foot tall, 3 foot wide 2 foot deep package in the mail, probably from my grandmama. I'm hoping its not clothes. I don't need any more clothes. Ryan gave me a gift trial to blockbuster online. I need a credit card to open the account, but my dad won't give me his until I find out that its a safe ride. No strings attached like your forced to stay on board for a year or something like that. I kinda doubt that there is anything like that. We'll just have to see.

not too much

Well I've been off from school this president week so that means that I've been working. I started putting in entries in my dream journal again. The last time I did that was July of 2007. On Tuesday I had to videotape an aldermans meeting. Incase you don't know an alderman meeting is when a group of people who act as the council for the city. My job is to just use a video camera to record what happens for the local public access channel and the the tv channel pays me $30. It's a pretty good gig...as long as the meetings aren't too long. This meeting was about 3 hours long. It was alot of fun, cough cough. I got ryan to help me with my totalitarian movie, so far so good. I signed onto another online dating service, okcupid. We'll see how this one goes. Not too much else is going on.

not much today

The fog was definitly thick this morning. When I got to work I just had to say a joke from airplane to ryan, "the fog is getting thicker, and leone is getting larger!" I might have gotten the name wrong, not sure. It was raining harder inside the restaurant, in the back room then it was outside. I was also colder than it was outside. I finally meet the newish dishwasher, dave. seems like a good guy. Hopefully he'll last. I talked to my sister yesterday on the phone (she's in the airforce) and she told me (about my last girlfriend, the one before IG) that there are people out there that are not as demanding as her. As I think about it, she was pretty demanding. I also thought about my date with IG and realized that she probably wasn't thinking that I was looking at other girls, unlike my last girlfriend.

I did some more work on the totalitarian movie. Found some more video and audio footage I can use. I still have to ask ryan if he wants to be in it. I keep on forgeting. I have to start working on my experimental video. I need to start working on that tomorrow. I saw the movie blood dimond yesterday, very good.

RIP Polaroid

Not to much going on today. No calls from IG begging for me to come back, which is always good. Went to work today, got questioned on IG. One of the waitresses said she would let me date her daughter but she's too young. Isn't that thoughtfull of her.

I found out that polaroid has stopped production of the instant film. Good thing I didn't buy one of the cameras since I was thinking of buying one. So I went out and looked for a way to imitate the polaroid look in my photo program. I got some good results as you can see to your left.

I've been listening to alot of perfect circle today.

Since I departed from any form of girlfriend, I'm just going to ride out being single and see what happens, not rush anything. I don't know how long it'll last though. Hopefully not too long. I don't want to be single for too long, I like being with someone. It gives a boost of confidence and a sense of security, because you know that someone is there to talk too. I've been watching a good show on HBO called Treatment.

Just take it easy

Right now I'm listening to what I have completed so far with my NIN remix cd. I've finished with all of the songs from year zero, Im just going to do some extra songs and the song only.

I called IG today and told her that I can't see her anymore. Well, actually when I called her she didn't answer so I waited to call back, but she sent me a text message. I told her what I was feeling and she took it pretty well. She actually laughed at me. It was kind of odd. She said, "Haha its ok i had fun im not looking for one i just got out of one like a week ago it was just nice to hang out with somone new." Well I guess it's good that I made someone happy, for the time being.

I can definitly tell that I made this cd when my ex girl friend were breaking up because it's quite abrazive and angry. On hands and knees, we crawl, you can not stop us all. yeah. Yesterday I made a country version of the song survivalism, it came out pretty good.

When I showed my experimental video in class today the audio didn't come up! The video came up fine, but there was no audio. I thought that was kinda weird. We still watched it and they liked it. It wasn't as good with out audio.

So now since I'm a free agent I'm not going to rush into any relationships. Just take it easy.

a letter to friend

dear friend,
I am writing to you because I know you listen and understand. I hope you don't think I only talk to you because I have a problem. It's not. I just know that your opinon and advice is the one I trust the most, some times more than mine. I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and won't try to judge me or get mad at me for what I'm thinking or doing. I just wanted to talk to you.

I seem to put myself through these bad situations with out even trying. I know I'm over eliza ( I just miss her, which I know is only natural) so I tried to date someone else. I went on one date with her and I'm not sure If I want to continue anymore, which I hate saying because I really thought I found what I was looking for(at least for now). I don't mean to sound shallow but she's not my "type". She's a very nice person, but I just feel a bit uncomfortable with her. Some people probably wouldn't feel that way, but I do.

I think I just need to spend sometime on my own, not see anyone and not worry about who Im dating. Every one I talk too either just agrees or just goes along with what I say. I don't expect you to have any answers and I don't want any pity or anything like that. I just want to talk to someone, and do it with out crying. I think you of all people would understand. At least I hope you do because other people look to you for strength and friendship and it's that simple. At least that's what I've heard.
I miss what I had and I don't like what I have.

I miss you,
(censored)

Is she raceist?

Yesterday I went on the first date with IG. I meet her at the bowling alley, meeting her outside. I think we were both quite nervous. It was pretty fun, she beat me 2 games out of 3 but they were pretty close games. I tried to keep up some conversation with her, small talk so she wouldn't feel as nervous (me too). The pictures on her profile make her seem smaller than she actually is. It's not a bad thing, I've just never been with someone that is...big. I'm not sure how comfortable I would be with a big person.

But I had fun.

After bowling we went to friendlies for some snacks. I found out she likes horror movies, which is always good. My friend Josh from high school was there too. He walked by our table and gave me a high five. IG seemed to be quite shy towards the waitress and Josh. I guess she really is as shy as she says.

After dinner we went to her car, talked about mini golf. Her friend told her not to go anywhere in her car or in my house (cause I could be a creep). I don't blame her, I would have done the same. But then IG said something about her friend to the extent of (at least this is what I thought she said), "She's the one that should be talking. She dates black people." At first I was a bit shocked, but I didn't say anything. Tonight, if I talk to her I'll have to ask her what she said and if she said that. If she doesn't like black people then that would make her a raceist and I don't think I could be with a raceist. At the same time I think that I'm thinking that because I don't want to be with her because of her size. If that's the cause, then am I no better than her not liking black people? It's not that I don't like her its just that I kinda feel uncomfortable with large people. But she is trying to lose weight. Which is good. I hate it when over weight people do nothing to make themselves healthier.

Today I saw the original japanese version of Dark Water. Havn't seen the american remake but Im sure the original is 100x better. My friend showed me these really bad motivational videos that Mr. T made. I also saw a really weird mark twain claymation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak3z2Pm7Iwg

Going pretty good

I forgot to write yesterday since I was on the phone with IG. Yep, I got her number. When I got her reply from my email she gave me her phone number so we could talk. When I called her she was at work so she had to excuse herself every so often, just like on AIM. It's kinda funny. I know what she looks like through her pictures and now I know what she sounds like from the phone, but I'm having a bit of a hard time putting the two together. Im sure it'll make sense when we go bowling tomorrow. We decided to go bowling at 6pm for our first and hopefully not last date. After talking to her, she definitly does seem like a very nice person. She hates cigarettes and drugs, which is always good. And she lives in the same town as I do, which is even better.

I texted with IG and this was the first time I have ever texted with anyone. It was pretty fun. I also found out I can make my own ring tones, which is even cooler.

I didn't do much today, woke up at 7:30 had a peanut butter, jelly, bannana, cinnimon toast crunch sandwhich, did homework, constructed with legos (I don't play with legos any more, I construct with them), and I called IG; thats when we schedualed the date. not too much else, started working on the remix for the nin song, zero sum. It's coming along pretty good. My dad was able to pick up the audio from the computer on his shortwave radio. It was weird.

damn you corporate america!

Saturday and sunday are the days that I work when I'm in school. I'm a dishwasher/busboy/perp cook helper. I tried prep cooking full time and I did not like it. It was a pretty good day, went by quickly and I stayed in a good mood, which is always nice. Before I went to work I saw in the newspaper that one of my favorite radio stations, which played alternative rock, is getting taken off the air because it wasn't bringing in enough money. This is how corporate america is ruining art. All they care about is making money and not being loyal to their listeners. I guess now I'll just have to revert to the just plain old rock, new and old. So you get a taste of both worlds, Oh my taste buds! It tastes so good!

After I put my nose to the grind I emailed IG. I told her I had fun talking to her on instant messenger and asked if she would like to go out to some time like to a restaurant. I was so nervous while making the email. I read it over and over, wrote it and rewrote. It's not like I was asking her to her face, but I might as well be. I bet if I do get to meet her I'll be just as nervous. But most likely it'll die down and I'll get more comfortable.

In the paper today, a woman said to combat crime the city should take away the Amtrak train. Yeah and you might as well take away those pesky little cars too.

Video, pants and IG

I had my one and only class today, experimental video. I didn't get to show my video until all the students had left because we ran out of time but my teacher wanted to see it anyways and I had nothing else to do. After we watched it, he said it was very good. Unlike the last video I made, he pretty much said it sucked. But now that I know what he wants, the world is mine! He loves randomness.

After class I went to the local rocker store today in the mall. I wanted to try on a pair of pants because I liked the design, black, visible zippers. They were quite nice. So I take a pair with the right waist size, 32, and go into the changing room. To my lovely surprise these pants were like tights! It's ridiculous how tight they were. What guy would wear pants like these? I know I wouldn't. I tried to see if they had any that were a bit baggier but the pants that were baggy, I could fit two of me in one pant leg. So its either too tight or too baggy, where’s Goldie Locks when you need her?

I finally got to talk to (lets call her Internet Girl or IG for short) IG on AIM. I was so nervous it was crazy. I finally got over the nervousness once I started talking to her. At 8:28ish she had to sign off since she's at work and got a bunch of customers to attend too. After talking to her for a little bit she seems like a really nice person. Hopefully I'll be able to meet her in person. I wonder when I'll ask her? I don't want to do it too soon, but if I wait to long, she might move on or something. No need to worry about that, just concentrate on when I think is a good time. We definitely have some of the same interests when it comes to clothing apparel. We’ve been pretty steady with emailing each other, she’s been replying so I guess she's interested.

Last night I watched Blue Velvet. Good movie. How could someone not like David Lynch?

Quotidian

Quotidian: occurring daily; also, ordinary.

I'm a fan of word of the day. I've been keeping a running dictionary of these types of words for my own personal benefit. And maybe for your benefit as well. I'm hoping this blog (my first one) will be, quotidian. I'm trying not to sound pretentious with these big words. Just something to expand my mind (besides the drugs...which I don't take...).

I wished I started this blog at the beginning of the new year since that would be most appropriate, but now is better than ever. I was influenced to start this blog from my nonfiction writing class. We had to write a paper in the style of a blog and I found it quite enjoyable.

After getting out of a stop and go, we're broken up, now we're not, no really now we are broken up relationship which started off great but ended in a stuttered, no casualties (just feelings hurt) car accident. I decided to try something different in the world of dating. I wanted to see what online dating is like. What I realized is that paying for a dating service is ridiculous! It's like paying your friend to tell a girl you like her. Sure, Yahoo Personals says it’s all free, until you actually want to talk to the person. There are much better sites out there like justsayhi. Completely free. On yahoo I tried to post my yahoo email in my profile but they said it disobeyed their privacy agreement. Or they just wanted people to pay to send emails. I'm charged enough to talk on a cell phone; I don't need another fee to send emails.

So I left yahoo personals. So far I'm in an ongoing conversation with someone from justsayhi.